Aw jakfish..
I feel for you...really I do.
what about reactos or something similar in look and feel,
or perhaps wine or playonlinux or something similar for you family?
If that still doesn't appeal the only options left are

1- vm a win7, xp or linux distro on your win8.
or
2- dual booting win7 or even xp...or linux (buntu works well across the board with so many computers and windows..best suggestion) .

so you can utilize devices more sanely AND your family can still use the windows they are familiar with. It's the only win-win I know could work in your sitch. dual boot



and to finish in true windows redundancy fashion ..
+1 to what pichlo said